May I marry your daughter

Seeking Permission from Her Parents

"May I have your daughter's hand?" or "May I marry your daughter?"

It's a simple question to ask, but really requires lots of courage, maybe not for all, but at least for me...

To ask for a parent's blessing or permission was once(and maybe still, to some culture) a standard procedure to an engagement. Although now it is sometimes being viewed as an old-fashioned practice, I do think it is only right to do so, as a respect for your future-in-laws(if your proposal is successful which I hope it would). Also if done properly, it can certainly be a meaningful moment and opportunity to let your future-in-laws know that you respect them. (I suppose we would still, after marriage) 

Also, chances are that your bride-to-be will be super elated if they knew that you actually make the effort to seek for her parents' blessings before proposal.

Hint: This can be included within the proposal itself, will tell you what i did later.

What to say

Well, it dosen't matter I suppose, as long as it is sincerely from the heart. They need to know that you love their daughter and will really take care of her for the rest of her life, that's all it needs I suppose. All parents love their kids. (There might be some exceptional ones, maybe we can discuss bout it in the comments section?)

How to ask

-> If not too far, why not just drop by and ask. Of course, be at least a little prepared. :) It's ok to stutter, you might even sound more honest and sincere than you know when you stutter. And many parents might prefer that to one that can talk really talk too well... You know what I mean...

-> If they live far far away, a call would be good. This way you can prepare a script before actually calling. :)

-> If you are a shy-kind like me, prepare a letter and send it to them, either get the letter from them when you have the chance to, or politely ask them to send it back in the letter. Well, what I did is I actually get her sister to help me pass it back.

Hint: It's good to find and appoint a "spy" in her family, e.g. sister or close friend. You will really need their help in times to come.

Things to take note:

1. Bribe-to-be that are not in good terms with parents.

-> You might need to consider her feelings if she is not in good terms with her parents. She might be really angry if she knew you went to look for her parents whom she might be in "bad-terms" with. Regardless of that, it is still good to show respect to the person who brought her to this world, but that's my own opinion. (However if you think that by asking her parents would somehow cause information of the "surprise proposal" to leak to the girl and spoil the surprise, you might not want to do that. You gotta weigh your odds then)

2. Spoil the surprise of your proposal

-> Could be unintentional, but if you feel that it is very likely, then do it nearer to the proposal date? Such that they have less chance of "accidentally" leak out the their daughter. By any chance if you are going to have your proposal overseas, you could do it after you both fly, before the proposal of course. But you  gotta take the risk that if they disapprove, you got less time to resolve any issues, but chances are low that they will disapprove I  suppose

3. Divorced parents

-> Tricky issue. Asking whichever side first could get them into a fight, as they might deem whoever you ask first to be more respectful of that person.(Just an immature assumption but might be so right)

Try and ask then at about the same time. :) In my opinion from a chinese family background, as the father is ,most of the time considered as the head of the house, you might consider asking him first. Whatever it is, weigh your odds.

What if they say no?

There is always this small small tiny possibility, and if that really happen, try to relax and be calm. Try and find out why(you could ask them on the spot?), and if it's easy to resolve, resolve it and try asking again.(For your love you shouldn't give up) You can choose to tell your girlfriend what happened and maybe she might be able to help pursuade her parents?(But this is not encouraged as any element of surprises will be spoilt) You can discuss together whether it is better to wait until they give their blessing (perhaps they just want you to finish school or have a steady job before you can get married) or to go against their wishes. Most importantly, try to understand where they are coming from, and to really appreciate that it is almost certainly a position of love for their daughter.

Conclusion

Don't be afraid, things are always easier then it might seems. If you really encounter any problem, for the love of your bride-to-be, you shouldn't give up. (If you gave up any point, be it proposal planning or marriage planning, it simply means you are not ready to commit)